Uncertainty

Today is the last day I spend before I head back to work. I think I still have a job. To be honest I’m not quite sure. Tomorrow we will see if it will just be another day sorting boxes onto pallets, pulling freight across the floor to their respective departments, and stocking the shelves of the grocery aisles with headphones to drown out the customers. It could be a day of freedom. Of freedom for as long as I let it last. It’s not like I have a bank vault full of a lifetime of money down at the bank a few blocks from home. Wouldn’t that be nice.

Not much was done today but the apartment is a little cleaner. Took some boxes to the Salvation Army filled with random books and clothes. Even our coffee maker. We never use it anymore since my sister gave me a french press for Christmas. Takes more time but it’s nicer having an electric kettle on the counter. Heats water faster. Takes up a little less space. It’s funny giving away things and seeing the same items on the shelf with a price already written on them. Those Salvation Army guys work fast.

After that we went over to my parents. It was the first time since getting the flu from them a little over a week ago. Thankfully they are mostly over it as am I. I think it lasted a bit longer for them. I’m glad we are all in mostly good health for now. After half a day of eating some of their food, playing some Wii fit, and watching a little Netflix with them we headed home. And now here I am.

Work is what will be on my mind tonight. Hopefully I will have my job still when I walk in tomorrow. At the same time I feel like it won’t be so bad if I don’t. I spent a year without a job before getting this one. A part of the reason is I felt afraid of exploring something new. After working at this job I felt excited to learn new things and meet new people. Now though, after being there for around 7 months, that excitement has worn thin. And with Teisha not working with me anymore it just isn’t as much fun. The irony is that I didn’t want my girlfriend to work with me. I felt like it would maybe be awkward in ways. But now that it’s happened and she’s not there with me anymore… it just doesn’t feel the same. There is no motivation to keep doing a better job. Barely any to keep showing up. So I think a change would be good. Even though change is scary. It’s necessary to keep life fresh and interesting at least.

Inconsitency

Well. I know I said I was going to write in this every day. But of no surprise, to me anyway, it didn’t turn out happening. I forget why I stopped but I know the routine in which it happens. I wake up. Think about things I should do. Laying in bed sounds nicer though. Stay under the covers until work.

That’s how it’s been for awhile until about a week ago. I did get back into the flow of work again but life again has shown me maybe that place is not where I want to be. After going on a hike with my gf and friends we went and got a bite to eat. It was at a nice local burrito shop. Afterwards we couldn’t go home though because our neighbor was moving. The parking spots we have are right next to the stairs that lead up to our apartment and our neighbor. We share a balcony. So we ended up going to my parents to hang out for awhile and do laundry. The bad part is my parents have been really sick with the flu. You can guess what happens next.

The sad thing is that the cough started the day I spent there. I knew I was going to get sick ever since that silly cough happened. I just didn’t know how bad it would be. The next day I still go into work even though I’m not feeling all that great. Cough has gotten worse but I’m still quite functional. Once I get off work and lay on my couch I feel it though. The fever starting to set in. I feel like I burned alive that night. I hadn’t remembered the weird delirious state that a fever will put you in. The next day was even worse. A constant mix between hot and cold. Teisha had to go get me medicine and I laid in bed half the day. The rest of the week was basically laying in bed or the couch playing video games or watching whatever was on the TV. Almost the same thing we do when I am working sadly.

The problem now is that today I was supposed to work. Yet, I didn’t. It’s how I normally feel when I haven’t been to work in a long time. A bit of anxiousness. Tired. Just that “I don’t want to go into work today” feel. The thing is I might have gone over my points. There is that thing called the point system at my job. One too many for whatever excuse and you’re gone. I really didn’t know if I wanted to stay at that job or not when I decided to not go in. As of now I don’t know if I’ll still have a job when I walk in two days from now. Yeah. Tomorrow is a day off.

I’m trying hard to figure things out. What I want to do. What should I do? I know that I don’t want to stay at Walmart unloading trucks and hauling freight across the floor. Then stocking shelves for half the job. Where does any of that get you? Especially when we are one of the lowest paid departments. The sad truth is I don’t want to go. I’m used to it. I know what to expect, for the most part. But where do I go then?

Motivation

I started working again. After my girlfriend, Teisha, quit the job we work together I have been feeling kind of lost. In the past two weeks I have only worked 1 day. 1 out of 6 days I was supposed to work. In a way I feel like I should be fired but my job has a point system and I just happened to have quite a few. More than Teisha at least which is what ended up getting her fired. I believe she will do better though. It was fun to work with her more at least. We met at a job we had before and started dating about a month after I quit. She ended up taking a different job too as I took a break from work.

In all that time I could have done so much more. I took off a full year from working. All I did for years was work in fast food. I was just tired from it. The end of my job felt like a new beginning and the fact that Teisha and I started dating made it feel even more so. I was motivated to find something else and start something new. Months passed by though and I eventually stopped looking. The idea of a job started to make me anxious and the fact that I had gone on so long without a job put me in a lazy, comfortable place. I just ended up playing games, drinking, and the occasional jogs to make me feel like I wasn’t letting it go all to waste. I’m so glad Teisha was there always being supportive. I had money saved up but it didn’t last forever. Near the end of that year long break I had basically gone into debt. Not much. It wasn’t right for me to rely Teisha though. I found a job working in a restaurant as a line cook and quickly switched jobs. That week there made me realized I had had enough of food. I went to Wal-Mart to unload trucks. It was a nice change of pace. After a few months Teisha joined me too and even though I didn’t really want her to go there I’m glad she did. It’s okay that it didn’t work out. The manager we had would always put us together and it was a lot of fun being around each at work again. He ended up finding a better position and left. Our other manager can be a bit of an ass and almost power trippy in a way. He’s just a bit too young I think. He treats me different than Teisha only because I’ve been there longer and known as one of the veterans. They didn’t get along and Teisha rightfully quit. Shows how long people stay there. Only half a year there and considered a veteran…

I feel like I have some motivation back. With Teisha gone I feel like I should move on to. I had already planned on switching jobs or just departments but it was too convenient for us with only having one vehicle. The job is boring now and the lowest paid/hardest worked department. There’s a good chance I could move up. Co-workers have said I should become a manger and even our slave driving manager has asked if I would like to have some training as a supervisor. Even though I wish it wasn’t him that would doing it. I even got the employee of the month last December. Is staying there worth it for my future?

It’s nice to get these thoughts down. I haven’t posted everyday like I meant too. Yesterday I was hung over because I drank quite a bit the night of my last post. Didn’t mean to. It just gets out of hand and I need to be careful. That’s why it’s nice to have Teisha around because she normally keeps me in check. Yesterday was also the first day of going back to work in awhile and I really didn’t feel like it. It really wasn’t so bad. Just more of the same.

I’ve been working out again which is really improving my mood. I’m trying to do it everyday but I’ve started to do it after work around midnight. I feel really tired but I force myself. The daytime would be better but I’ve been staying in bed quite a bit longer than normal. Something I need to change also. One step at a time.

I can’t decide if I want to write in this blog every morning or night. I’ll guess we’ll see what happens.

 

Future

So when I made this blog I wanted it for tracking my progress into a new career. I still would like to go in that direction but I may have gotten a little sidetracked.

One problem I have always had is procrastination. There could have been so much progress on this blog. Instead I told myself day by day that I would write a blog post and end up not doing it. Always leaving it for tomorrow. I’ve done that with many other aspects of my life too. Fitness. Work. Even just hobbies I would like to pick up.

In ways I feel like I have been focusing on improving too many parts of my life when I really just need to take it one step at a time. This blog is one of the first things I want to work on. Keeping track of everything I accomplish. That alone will help me see the things I have done and where I want to go from there. That’s why I’m planning on writing in this blog everyday. It won’t be much. Starting slow is key so it will be only a few paragraphs. If that even.

The idea of this blog tracking my advancement in the tech industry has changed to tracking advancements in myself. In the end this blog will be more about myself than making a new career. I’ll just be another personal blog. Haha. I think I will enjoy writing in this more now though . I feel less pressure now that it will be me writing down my thoughts than tracking my advancement.

I look forward to posting another day. Tomorrow in fact.